Witze auf Englisch

Beitragsfoto: Joker | © Siggy Nowak auf Pixabay

Wenn die Lage wieder einmal völlig hoffnungslos und das Wetter entsprechend war, kam es immer gut, wenn man als für Ersteres verantwortlich, wenigstens einen guten Witz parat hatte.

Da ich mich des öfteren in solchen Situationen befand, hatte ich auch stets ein paar Witze zur Hand, die die Stimmung wenigstens ein wenig aufbessern konnten.

Hier finden Sie jene, die mir bis heute in guter Erinnerung blieben.

At the golf course one Sunday, a golfer is about to putt, when a funeral procession turns the corner just off the course and begins to roll by. The golfer straightens up from his putter, takes his hat off, and holds it over his heart. He stands there silently like that, facing the procession until it passes. Then he bends over again and makes his putt.

“That was a very thoughtful gesture,” a member of his foursome says to him as they walk towards the next tee. “You are one compassionate guy.”

“Thank you,” replies the golfer. “We would have been married 25 years next Tuesday.”

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”

“No,” he replied, “Arthritis.”

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?



A widow

Did you hear about the wine that they are marketing to guys with prostate problems?



It’s called Pinot More.

Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand, “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?” 

“Certainly,” said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. “I just need one copy.”

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.

He walks up behind her and says: “Hi there good looking, how’s it going?” 

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eyes and says: “Listen, I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it.” 

He says: “No kidding?, I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21st century, old man,” he said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.”

I can tell you, that friggin’ fly never knew what hit it …

A preacher was walking down the street when he came upon a group of boys, all between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, “What are you doing to that dog?”

One of the boys replied, “He’s just an old neighborhood dog. He doesn’t have an owner. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whoever can tell the biggest fib will get to keep the dog.”

The reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest to see who can tell the biggest fib!” he exclaimed. “Don’t you boys know that’s a sin? When I was your age, I never fibbed!”

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the preacher thought the boys understood the virtues of telling the truth, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said:

“All right, give him the dog.”

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” said my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”

Wife: “In the pool.”

How do you call a beautiful lady in London?



A tourist

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “OHIO STATE!”

What do you call an Italian with his hands in his pockets?



A mute

“You wouldn’t sleep with Angelina Jolie for a million dollars, would you?”, asked his wife.

“Don’t be ridiculous”, answered her husband. “How am I gonna raise a million dollars?” 

An elderly couple was sitting on their rocking chairs rocking back and forth. The woman whacked her husband as hard as she could right off his chair. 

Surprised and disorientated he said: “Now why did you do that?!” 

She replied: “That is for 50 years of horrible sex”. 

He sits back down and thinks about it for a while, and pretty soon you hear another whack.

This time the wife falls off the chair, and gets back up and asks, “What was that for?” 

He replied, “that is for knowing the difference.”

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who’d seen all the magician’s tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out the magic behind the magician’s disappearing acts.

The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot couldn’t figure out.

One night in the middle of the magician’s performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.

Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician, perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn’t take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.

Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, “All right, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

A Scot came back from work earlier than usual and saw a plumber’s car in the front of his house.

His first thought was: “Oh my God, I hope it is her lover!”

Two old actors are sitting on a bench. One asks: “How long has it been since you had a job?”

The other actor says, “Thirty two years – how about you?”

The first actor says, “That’s nothing. I haven’t had a job in forty years!” 

The other says, “One of these days we’ve got to get out of this business!”

Another crisis in Africa. The EU decides to sent out a so called Fact Finding Team.

Right after arrival the team consisting of a French, a German, and a Spanish officer gets caught by a local war lord and is sentenced to death right away.

“Since I was educated and trained in Great Britain, I will each of you grant a last wish”, says the war lord.

“I commited my whole life for my military carreer and never dated a lady”, says the Spanish officer. “So I would like to have a marvelous diner together with a good looking lady”.

“This I can absolutely understand – your wish is granted”, answers the war lord.

“I had not much time to see your country”, the German says. “But it is enough to give you a briefing about how you will be able to improve the over all situation of your country.”

“That sounds really strange to me, but I heard about you guys already, and as it is your last wish it will be granted”, says the war lord.

“And what is your last wish, Frenchman?” the war lord asks.

“Just shoot me before the German gives his briefing”, the French officer replies.

Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of. When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her,

“And while you’re in there, you might as well get my hat, too.”

A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess hall read: “Don’t Waste Food – Food Will Win the War.”

Beneath these words someone had scrawled: “That’s fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat here?”

How a British gentleman found out that his wife truly loved and fully understood him.


Coming back home from office earlier to spent his birthday together with his wife, he found a huge, naked black dude in his wardrobe.

Why do they bury Germans 20 metres under?


Because deep down they are really nice.

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not my flying instructor.”

Valentine’s Day is the day when ladies have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider themselves lucky to get a card.


#joke #wisdom #fun